I am a terrible sleeper. My brain thinks when the lights go out it’s time to think. I’ve solved world hunger in my sleeplessness. I’ve rearranged the furniture to transform my thrift store apartment into a masterpiece of modern design. I’ve negotiated peace treaties between warring countries. I’ve balanced my checkbook from memory. Instead of resting, I exhaust myself. It would be ironic if it weren’t so terribly frustrating! The worst part is that I’m so tired during the day, I fall asleep in all sorts of weird places: on the train, at school, even standing up! Over the years, I have discovered a few tried and true secrets that help me sleep: mysterious tinctures and techniques that power down my head so I can drift off into dreamland like a normal stinkin’ person.