Don’t Let the Apocalypse Stop You From Getting a Great Night’s Sleep

Ah, the Mayans: an ancient people that somehow predicted the end of the world centuries after the fall of their civilization. Never mind the thousands of other apocalyptic predictions that have been made throughout history, met with nothing more than a few hundred devout doomsday believers in a desert somewhere. It’s true, I will admit, the hype surrounding this particular apocalyptic prediction is pretty impressive. It’s all over the news. Real, non-crazy people are feeling frightened by the whole thing. Rest assured, America. We might be bringing on the apocalypse with our irresponsible use of fossil fuels, deforestation, habitat destruction, and wanton disregard for the balance of nature, but that apocalypse will probably take at least another few decades. But, for fun, let’s assume the Mayans were right and we’re all doomed (sounds super fun, right?) On the up side, you don’t have to worry about the fiscal cliff, recession, or various other manifestations of your economic discontent. If the world has to end, at least we can forget about congress. On the down side, the apocalypse is noisy and disruptive and can really sabotage a good night’s sleep. Here are some tips for getting rest when the end is nigh.

Invest in some fire resistant blankets. I’m not advocating asbestos (though fiberglass might be a good idea), but some quality fire resistant sheets and linens never hurt anyone. You’ll drift off to dreamland knowing stray fireballs, lava spray, and brimstone can’t touch you. Keep a fire extinguisher by the bed too, just in case. A good sized burning meteor hurtling towards the Earth probably won’t be thwarted by fabrics.

High decibel earplugs are a must. All that crashing and burning, screaming in agony, and twisting metal can get really disruptive. Add a few whooshing tidal waves, some avalanches, and a ground cracking earthquake or two and you might find yourself calling the noise police. Protect your delicate ears with heavy duty earplugs. It’s possible you’ll need some noise canceling headphones on top of the earplugs, and maybe a few pillows over your head, and maybe some deafening Black Sabbath for “white noise,” but eventually you’ll create the perfect, blissful soundscape for slumber.

Enclose your comfy mattress in an impenetrable titanium sphere. This is always a good idea during an apocalypse. You may want to consider outfitting your sphere with a lead shield to block radioactivity, a comfy natural latex mattress, oxygen tanks, an exercise bike in case you get a little stir crazy, some snacks, and a sick sound system. If your sphere gets buried under miles of rubble, you’ll be able to survive just fine for several weeks. While your friends are floating up to heaven, you’ll be happily peddling on your exercycle listening to Enya. Oh, and you’ll be sleeping like a baby.

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